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Barring some type of unforeseen early-spring miracle, the Detroit Pistons will not be participating in this year’s NBA Playoffs. They currently sit in 12th place in the 15-team Eastern Conference, four games out of the final playoff spot, and would need to leapfrog a host of teams to reach that pseudo-mountaintop. In other words, it’s not happening.
It’s getting harder and harder to remember what it felt like to have playoff hoops in the Motor City. Was it nerve-wracking? Who did I watch the games with? What time did they start?
You’ll forgive me if these details might have slipped my memory at the moment. After all, it has been an astounding TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE DAYS since the Detroit Pistons last won a game in the NBA Playoffs.
May 26, 2008. That’s almost a full seven years in the wrong direction. And we’re not talking about a series win here. That is the last time the Pistons won a single playoff game.
For a laugh, or maybe a cry, let’s take a look at the 12 Pistons that suited up in that contest -- Game Four of the East Finals, against the Boston Celtics, at the Palace of Auburn Hills. The Pistons destroyed the C’s 94-75 that night to even the series at two. It’s been a violent downhill ride ever since.
Starters
Tayshaun Prince (41 minutes): Unbelievably, Tayshaun is somehow, someway, currently a Detroit Piston. In 2015. The re-acquisition never made much sense to me, but it does continue the bizarre Stones tradition of bringing back prominent members of the 2004 champs at the end of their careers. Joe Dumars took another ride on the Big Ben express for reasons that are still unknown. Chauncey did an injury-riddled farewell tour last year. Rasheed returned as an assistant coach. Any day now, I’m fully expecting the team to announce Darvin Ham will be wearing the Hooper costume next season.
Antonio McDyess (34 minutes): The old warrior was a beast that night against Boston, outplaying Kevin Garnett to the tune of 21 points and 16 boards. Nobody deserved a championship more than McDyess. He craved that ring, and probably would have snagged it in ’05 had Larry Brown not senselessly pulled him (while scorching) after picking up his fourth foul in Game 7 against the Spurs. But I digress, because if I don’t, I’ll go on a tangent that won’t be healthy for any of us.
Richard Hamilton (33 minutes): More or less, this represents the last time the Masked Man was relevant in the D. He’d spend his next few Piston years leading player revolts and sulking that Dumars dealt away his best friend, Mr. Big Shot. And honestly, who can blame him? A Piston legend, Finals MVP, future jersey-in-the-rafters guy, for Allen Iverson, the worst person in professional sports? Again, let’s just move on.
Chauncey Billups (32 minutes): Don’t blame Chauncey that the Pistons dropped the next two in this series, sending Boston to the Finals. In Games 5 and 6, Big Shot put up 26 and 29, with six made threes and 17 converted free throws. Oddly enough, it earned him a ticket out of town about five months later. The second half of Dumars’ tenure in Detroit sure was fun, wasn’t it?!?!?
Rasheed Wallace (32 minutes): The fact that Roscoe’s name gets tossed around every so often about being an NBA head coach makes me nervous for the future of our planet.
Bench
Rodney Stuckey (23 minutes): Remember when Billups got hurt in that series against Orlando, and Stuckey had to come in as a rookie and take over the reins? Remember how confident and athletic he was? How bright his future looked? And remember how he spent the next several years not improving even the slightest bit? The Pistons from 2009 to 2015...gotta love ‘em!!
Jason Maxiell (20 minutes): Do you realize that Maxiell was a Piston for EIGHT full seasons? Generally, those types of extended stints with a franchise are had by future hall of famers, or at least something very close to it. Nothing against J-Max, but the fact that he spent almost decade on the same club speaks volumes about the sheer laziness on display by Joe D during the latter part of his tenure.
Lindsey Hunter (9 minutes): This was the juncture of Lindsey’s career where he’d come in and hack the opposing point guard a million times, finally force one turnover, and have the color commentator sing his praises about “an unrelenting tenacity on defense.” True to form, on this night, an almost 40-year-old Lindsey (okay, 37) played less than ten minutes, but still collected four quick fouls. And of course, one steal.
Theo Ratliff (8 minutes): Don’t worry, I have absolutely no recollection of this either.
(Bonus fact: did you know that Ratliff’s full first name is Theophalus? It sounds like a newly discovered dinosaur species. A dinosaur that blocks lots of shots and plays comfortably into his mid-50’s.)
Jarvis Hayes (4 minutes): I guess this wasn’t one of those super-deep Pistons teams. Most people forget that at one point, Jarvis was a top-ten pick and a guy some considered to be a future star in the league. Then they saw him play and realized he was a mediocre shooter from a mediocre hoops school (Georgia) who had a difficult time creating his own shot. You could substitute KCP’s name in that description and it would probably read just fine. Yikes for our future.
Arron Afflalo (2 minutes): If you can correctly identify where the double letters are located in that name without having to look it up, you’re a better man than I am.
Amir Johnson (1 minute): Too young to ever really make an impression in Detroit, Amir has grown into a respected NBA starter. He’s an indispensable member of the playoff-bound Toronto Raptors, and has surprisingly added the three-ball to his offensive repertoire (17-for-41, 42%).
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There you have it. The 12 gentlemen that suited up for the Pistons the last time they emerged victorious in a playoff game. Coming up this Tuesday, it’ll be the 2,500th day since that historic occasion.
It is a truly incomprehensible string of ineptitude for a franchise that at the time, had been a conference finalist six years in a row.
Maybe the Pistons of 2015 will go on a crazy run in the next two and a half weeks. Win the final 11 ballgames, ending the year on a W-14 run. Make the playoffs on the last day of the season, grab another victory once they get there, and end this godforsaken streak.
But if that doesn’t happen, I say we all start thinking of ways to steal the Shock back from Tulsa.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
