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Dear Boban Marjanovic,
We cherish our time together in January. Coach Van Gundy let you loose on the rest of the NBA and the results were magical. There’s something about watching a 7’3”, 290-pound man with the world’s largest head running up and down the court that just makes us swoon.
Boban Marjanovic
Now that Aron Baynes is back in the rotation, you’ve been relegated to bench-warmer status again, but nothing will ever allow us to forget January 5th. You played only 22 minutes, less than half the game, but still somehow managed to score 15 points and grab a ridiculous 19 rebounds. Sadly, it seems that this performance will join Rodney Stuckey’s 40-point game in the “Things we’ll never see again” category.
Dear Riley Sheahan,
You're embroiled in one of the least enviable streaks in all of sports: 54 games played this season, and not a single goal has come off of your stick. We’re not exactly sure how you’ve done this. You log enough time on the ice in the NHL, especially as an offensive player, and eventually you knock one past the goalie.
Even if it isn’t from a shot, you might get in the way, have the puck deflect off a shin or skate, and voilà, you’re on the board. But you are seriously threatening to play the entire 2016-17 season without doing so. The strange thing is that your production had been trending in the right direction throughout your career.
Rookie season: 9 goals
2nd year: 13 goals
3rd year: 14 goals
4th year: Zero, and it’s starting to scare the children.
It’s hard to understand how 36 tallies over three years can plunge to a goose egg for a full season of play. The Red Wings have 26 games remaining on their schedule. For Riley Sheahan’s sake, let’s hope he is able to light the lamp at least once. (Unless it happens to be an empty-netter; I’m not sure that would really count in this situation.)
Dear Justin Upton,
The baseball season gets underway in just about a month and a half. April 3, to be exact, at the Cell in Chicago. For the love of Tony Clark, please come ready to rake when the real games commence. Last year, you managed just two home runs in April. And a .221 batting average. And you struck out 38 times (with just three walks).
Justin Upton
Improbably, your next month of play was even less productive: just a single dinger, to go with an unfathomable three RBIs and a .213 average. Of course, you picked up the slack in a major way down the stretch, becoming one of the most feared hitters in the American League (18 HR in 37 games). But the Tigers can’t afford to have one of their big guns in hibernation for such an extended length of time.
The aforementioned Tony the Tiger (Clark) would routinely hit in the .170-.180 range for the first quarter of the season, then quietly start putting up numbers and finishing with respectable totals. Like we saw last year with Mr. Upton, sometimes that extended period of ineptitude can put the team in a hole it is unable to climb out of. Take the hats off of your bats and get ready to start hitting soon, J-Up! (Not six months from now.)
Dear Derrick Walton, Jr.,
Who are you and what have you done with the Derrick Walton that has been in Ann Arbor for the last 3+ years? Suddenly, you have emerged as one of the most lethal players in the Big Ten. Sure, there were games when you’d get hot, but never like this: five consecutive games with at least 20 points. And how about 11 of 15 from downtown in your last three games? Who do you think you are, Glen Rice?
Derrick Walton Jr.
Rebounding like Barkley, facilitating like Magic, shooting like Curry, and Michigan’s tournament hopes have suddenly went from “no chance in hell” to “a definite possibility.” With running mate Zak Irvin mired in the worst slump of his college career, the burden has fallen directly on the shoulders of the man wearing #10, and the results have been spectacular. Bring chocolates, flowers, and other NCAA-sanctioned gifts to Mr. Walton today; he has brought the Wolverines back from the dead.
Dear Detroit Shock,
Our professional teams are in a serious funk right now. The Pistons are closing in on a decade since they last won a single playoff game. The Tigers haven’t made much noise the last couple of years, and did little to address their needs this off-season. The Red Wings are going to miss out on the postseason for the first time since the first George Bush was in office. And the Lions...are still the Lions.
We need you ladies to come back. We’re still not sure what went wrong that sent the whole organization picking up and relocating to Tulsa. Was it something we said? We can change. Bill Laimbeer took you to the promised land in 2003. Then again in 2006. And for a third time in 2008. Then one year later, the franchise is history? Not surprisingly, things never materialized in Tulsa and the team has since been moved to Dallas.
It’s been eight years and we’re still “shocked” that the whole thing went down the way it did. We’ll get by, as we always do, on this Valentine’s Day. But it’d be an out-and-out lie if we said it wouldn’t be 10 times better with a little Tweety Nolan back in our lives.
