Lapointe: Here Are 10 Snarky Tips for Driving in Detroit

The author is a former New York Times and Detroit Free Press reporter. 

By Joe Lapointe

Last week, a survey from WalletHub rated 100 American cities for driving and ruled Detroit to be the very worst. We’re Number One-Hundred! We’re Number One-Hundred!

How dare they insult us, the Motor City that put the world on wheels! Huh? They claim they used factors like weather, commuting time, gas prices, car theft and the quality of the roads. Yeah, well, too bad. They can stay away from the Detroit metropolitan area.

We like driving here. We’re proud of our roads. And our road manners. And our driving mentality.

To prove it, here are the Top 10 Tips to Drive in Detroit.

1. Never use your turn signal. It is a sign of weakness. You will become prey. If you are in the right lane and wish to turn right, just slow down for half a block until the driver behind you gets frustrated. Then, come to nearly a dead stop before turning your steering wheel to the right for five or six seconds. Make sure the car behind you has to brake to a nearly complete stop. If that driver honks horn, respond with middle-finger signal by opening window and sticking out left arm, the way drivers used to do to signal a turn before they invented turn signals.

2. A “stand-your-ground” right for drivers. You own the road and you make the rules. Watch for the car in front of you trying to change lanes and enter your lane from either right or left. If you see one, speed up! DO NOT LET THEM IN. Take up just enough room so that changing lanes would be dangerous for everyone. Keep them guessing as to when or if you’ll let them in. This technique can be used in all lanes on any road but is most enjoyable when going fast on an expressway-- especially if the driver trying to change lanes has the audacity to use a turn signal.

3. When exiting an expressway, always go as fast as you can. If drivers from slower lanes are also getting off and all the cars are moving single file in one lane, drive as near as you dare to the rear bumper of the one in front of you and – if it doesn’t speed up – honk your horn and flash your bright headlights. This will cause all other vehicles to disappear and the exit will be yours alone.

4. Ignore all that false wisdom about merging in a construction zone.  When a sign warns that a lane up ahead will soon be blocked by construction, coastal elitists claim it’s best to fill all lanes to the maximum and then “take turns” when merging politely at the orange barrels of the blocked lane. Ha! Not around here, Jack. When we see this sign, we immediately get in just the lanes that will stay open. Leave the other one vacant, even for a mile. It’ll be closed up ahead, right? If anyone dares to use that lane and then try to “cut in” front of you, just cut them off. Block them like a basketball player setting a screen. If you begin this exercise soon enough, you can enjoy it for many minutes while giving the other driver the “glare-and-stare” treatment.

5. Playing tag. This fun driving technique appeals often to young men, some with their very first driver’s license in their wallet. If your pal says “follow me” and jumps in his cool vehicle and roars off, you must do the same and try to catch him as he weaves in and out of traffic while increasing speed and passing in all lanes. If he eludes you, and you can’t catch up to “tag” him, you’re still “it.” The thrill is like that of an action-adventure movie at the megaplex or a really awesome video game. Although you can simply ignore other motorists on your right and left and in your rear-view mirror, rest assured they will admire your youthful exuberance and derring-do.

6. Voting the right way. On election day, if you see a proposal advocating mass transit, always vote “NO.” We took out the street-car railway in the 1950s, for crying out loud. You want to go back in time? What’ll it be next, horse and buggy? And if you see on the ballot a proposal advocating road repair, vote “NO.” Neither mass transit nor good roads are to be paid for with our hard-earned taxpayer dollars for socialist schemes. That money is better spent in the private sector by individuals making personal decisions on car repair, an industry that employs thousands around here and whose shops beautify streets like Eight Mile Road. Besides, smooth, paved highways grow naturally from our Pure Michigan soil under our Pure Michigan sun, nourished by our Pure Michigan rain. Plain and simple. Case closed.

7. Repair your car as little as possible. If one of your brake lights is out, well, what’s the problem? There’s still another one. Open your eyes, dude! Same goes for headlights. Now that the streetlights are back on, you don’t really need headlights anyway, and one is plenty. As for damage to the body of a car or a truck or a van or an SUV, wear it proudly. Jagged pieces of metal and plastic are like battle scars. Your vehicle carries them like barnacles on the hull of a ship or spikes from the wheels of a Roman battle chariot. This stuff warns other drivers “Don’t get too near if you know what’s good for you.”

8. It’s smart to enjoy your smart phone in all its many ways. Not only can you talk to your friends while you drive, you can play music, read and send text messages, converse with a robot and check your emails and even watch videos while you use your other hand to eat the cheeseburger you just bought at the drive-through with the money you just withdrew from the drive-through bank.

9. Ignore Strange Markings. Once in a while, you will see -- on the road pavement ahead of you -- white painted lines, perhaps slanted to the right or left, diagonally. They will be thick lines, maybe two dozen of them, stretching in a wide path from curb to curb. Near this bizarre artwork will be strangely shaped yellow signs with black silhouettes of people walking. No one knows what this all means. By all means, if you encounter these markings, maintain or increase your rate of speed and ignore everything else.

10. Enjoy the driving weather in Michigan. If it is raining or windy or snowing or foggy or there is a raging ice storm, only weaklings and jerks from out of town will slow down and leave a little more space between vehicles. Certainly not YOU in your big, black, extra-wide pickup truck with oversized wheels and tinted windows and numbers on the side that say “4 X 4.” YOUR vehicle isn’t sliding. YOUR springs can handle the potholes. YOUR tires are fine on black ice. So what the bleep is wrong with everyone else? When you blow by ‘em, if in season, let the hard snow pack from your un-cleared roof blow backward and smack their windshields.