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Jeff Ross (left) and Blake Griffin (far right).
The Pistons made a big splash last season by dealing for the high-flying Blake Griffin from the LA Clippers. But what many fans might not know is that Griffin moonlights in the stand-up comedy world.
He’s done work for the Funny or Die platform, appeared on comedy-centric podcasts, and MC’ed a show at the prestigious Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal.
Tuesday night, Griffin’s side hustle got its biggest break yet, performing on Jeff Ross’ Comedy Central war of words, “Roast Battle.” It’s a show where two comedians lob verbal grenades at one another, with a trio of judges ultimately deciding on a winner.
Griffin, an amateur, had the misfortune of matching wits against Ross, whose long career of torching others has earned him the moniker, “Roastmaster General.” But the power forward more than held his own on Ross’ home turf.
The show is far more about the jokes themselves than the post-performance votes by the judges, but for whatever it’s worth, Ross was deemed the winner by a 2-1 margin. Anthony Jeselnik saw the battle in favor of Griffin, but Nikki Glaser and Pete Davidson both sided with their comedy brethren.
Here is a sampling of the nastiest digs.
Blake Griffin
“Just real quick before we get started, I have some unfortunate news to share with you guys. After working for 24 hours straight, Jeff’s makeup girl just hung herself in the back.”
“Honestly, Jeff, I feel like you could get hurt...but the only way you could get inside of a gym is if you literally f***ed a guy named Jim.”
“Listen guys, this is a Roast Battle, so Jeff’s gonna take a couple on the chin tonight. But Jeff, honestly, I’m a gracious guy. So I’m gonna let you decide which one of your chins you take it on.”
“That’s good, man. A mixed race joke is really good considering you look like the only neo-Nazi Jewish person.”
“Jeff, you are so ugly that today I realized for the first time that Jeff Ross looks like Darth Vader...after they took his helmet off.”
“Jeff, you are such a bald piece of s**t. It honestly looks like we both got f***ed over by the Clippers.”
Jeff Ross
“Blake, I’m just glad to see you healthy and ready for the season. Everyone talks about your busted knees, but nobody talks about that busted face. You look like Morgan Freeman...bleached.”
“Blake, good luck in Detroit. (After a long pause) That’s the whole joke.”
“Good luck in Detroit, Blake. I think you are just white enough not to get shot by the cops. But be careful though, because you are now the worst shooter in the most violent city in America.”
“Blake, you’re half-Haitian. So it’s no wonder all your teams have been a disaster, with no leadership, begging for help.”
“You look like Patrick Ewing f***ed a Chucky doll. You look like an albino that God cooked too long.”
“Blake, everyone knows you recently dated Kendall Jenner. But what they don’t know is I heard she broke up with you because she caught you staring at her dad’s t**s. And just like the Clippers, Kendall eventually traded you for another basketball player. Dude, the season hasn’t even started yet and your ex is already leading you in rebounds.”
