Politics

Lapointe: Trump Can Defend Our 'Southern Border' with a Detroit-Windsor Wall

January 09, 2019, 6:15 AM by  Joe Lapointe

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America needs a border wall. And who’s going to pay for it?

Canada!

That’s right, Canada, because this wall must show strength against our northern neighbor -- and not against Mexico, as President Donald Trump urged Tuesday night in his first prime-time Oval Office address.

Naturally, the biggest, thickest, longest part of Trump’s Great Wall against the Canadian enemy should be in Detroit because it is the most important city on the frontier, at least by Trump’s logic.

Why? Because of that infamous geographic quirk: Detroit is geographically north of Windsor, Ontario. Technically, Trump can build a giant wall at the Detroit River that divides the nations and he can claim to be defending our southern border! He can save face.

The need for the Canadian border wall became clear Tuesday when Hallie Jackson of MSNBC spoke to the serious and solemn Vice-President Mike Pence during the 15-hour pregame show that preceded the 10-minute burst of fear-mongering in the Oval Office from the orange-faced, yellow-haired demagogue.

Pointing out the lies and propaganda of the Trump administration, Jackson read proof to Pence that showed far more dangerous people entering the United States from Canada and not Mexico. Only six “bad hombres,” as Trump calls them, came across that Mexican border in a six-month time period.

“Yet you’re not talking about a barrier with Canada,” Jackson said to Pence. “What’s the difference?”

Pence kept a straight face while spinning away from Jackson’s point.

“The difference is we are now seeing 60,000 people a month attempt to come in or country illegally on the southern border,” Pence said. “They are predominately families and unaccompanied children . . . “

Fake-News CBC Finds Fault 

For those of you who missed Trump’s speech Tuesday night, here is a brief summary. He changed the bogey man from the “terrorists” of recent days to “criminals.” He touched on:

 “Heroin . . . Assaults . . . Sex crimes . . . Vicious coyotes and ruthless gangs . . . Brutally killed thousands . . . Drug smugglers . . . Weapons . . . Horribly victimized . . . Savagely murdered in cold blood . . . Raped, murdered and beaten to death with a hammer . . . Dismembering his neighbor . . . Viciously stabbing and beating a 16-year-old girl . . . Weeping mothers . . . So sad . . . So terrible . . . Imagine if it was your child, your husband or your wife . . . “

When it ended, American TV pundits found his rant to be toned-down, by Trump standards.

As for Canadian TV, “The National” on CBC gave the Trump wall and his partial U.S. government shutdown 17 minutes of a 60-minute newscast at 10 p.m. CBC showed migration charts disproving the fear-mongering of the White House.

Anchor Rosemary Barton mentioned that Trump has been “splitting families” and that some refugees live in “squalid camps.” Regarding Trump, she spoke of a “political tantrum.” Canadian news? So fake!

“The invasion is more like an illusion,” Barton said, proving the need for Trump to build a spite fence here to keep Canadian airwaves out of American air space.

So where along the Detroit River shall we build this Great Wall of Trump?

Why not start it at the soon-to-be-built Gordie Howe Bridge, which will link the two nations downriver. Extend the wall east through the Ambassador Bridge to the Belle Isle Bridge.

What will it be made of?

How about hockey sticks, coated with thick layers of rubber on each side made of melted hockey pucks. (If not, use “Rearden Metal.”)     

How will Canada pay for it?

Bridge tolls, of course. Travelers would not have to pay to go to Canada but they would shell out to come into the U.S. Yeah, it’s a tariff!

Drop the Gloves, Trudeau 

And rest assured, America, that Trump won’t allow those suspiciously polite, bilingual, Canadian brother-puckers to doubletalk us on the exchange rate. Nobody knows foreign money like Trump (who also would accept rubles, no questions asked).

In addition, Trump could sell ads on both sides of his Detroit wall and keep the profits. Use it as a big, video billboard on the Detroit side for that Windsor casino or those Windsor strip clubs, especially when Stormy Daniels appears.

On the Windsor side of the wall, show ads for all those Detroit casinos and strip clubs, especially when Ms. Daniels is in town. Trump knows the casino business, not to mention “adult entertainers.”

With any luck, Detroit’s Great Wall of Trump could become a tourist attraction or as famous as the Green Monster that serves as the left field wall in Boston’s Fenway Park. Or even the Berlin Wall, which kept East Germany happy and prosperous.

And if Congress or the citizens of Detroit reject Trump’s wall against Canada, he could show his strength, toughness, pro wrestling mentality and TV ratings savvy by challenging Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to a pay-per-view hockey fight on the ice of the Detroit River – if any of that water freezes this globally warmed winter.

After all, Trudeau was one of the first “foreigners” to be insulted by Trump. Remember when Trump incorrectly accused Canada of fighting us in the War of 1812 (when it really was England?) Remember how people panned Trump’s bellicose attitude in Quebec? Trump must have vengeance!

In fact, Little Justin, the president of the United States is lacing up his skates right now.

Yeah, that’s right, buddy. Wait. Wait! Hold on. What’s that? What’s that, Mr. President? Bone spurs? You have bone spurs? Uh, sorry, uh, Mr. Prime Minister, we’ll have to call you back . . . “



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