Pete Hoekstra can help put the 'Craig James killed 5 hookers at SMU' rumor to rest

Former college football star and ESPN football commentator Craig James lost his bid to be the Republican Senate nominee in Texas this week.

But questions are still being asked (by “a lot of people,” to quote Donald Trump) as to whether Craig James really killed five hookers while a student at Southern Methodist University.

Conventional wisdom holds that this is nothing but a false rumor created as an internet prank. James has said he didn’t kill five hookers while at SMU or anywhere else. I take James at his word that he didn’t commit those crimes, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could put this question to rest once and for all? If for no other reason other than to save time in the future?

This is why I’m calling on U.S. Senate candidate Pete Hoekstra to support the creation of special panel composed of former law enforcement officials to determine if candidates for federal office were ever involved in hooker killings.

Now, some may say this is absurd. They argue that common sense and the absence of any actual evidence that Craig James killed five hookers at SMU should be enough to allow us to ignore these unsubstantiated rumors.

Ok, fine, but this isn’t just about Craig James. I believe Craig James when he says he never killed hookers. This is really about ensuring that voters can be confident that they won’t accidently send a hooker killer to Congress.

After all, if Pete Hoekstra is pandering to the sort of dullards who believe thoroughly debunked rumors like the one about Barack Obama being born in Kenya, then he shouldn’t stop with the Birthers. Don’t hedge your bets, Pete. Those dim souls who still question whether or not Craig James killed 5 hookers at SMU also deserve an advocate.

These so-called “hookerers” vote. Clearly, there’s no depth to which Pete Hoekstra won’t sink to pander for votes.

He's got the idiots who fret about Obama’s birth certificate. If he can attract support from fools who believe an internet joke about Craig James, others will notice. Soon, he’ll be able to corner the market on troglodytes who think photography steals your soul, nitwits who believe the earth is flat, and even the holy grail of anti-rational thinkers: moon landing hoaxers.

Then on that glorious day when this agnotologist rabble thrusts you, Pete Hoekstra, into the halls of the Senate, H.L. Mencken’s grand vision of democracy perfectly distilled will have been finally achieved: the halls of high political office will be adorned by a downright moron.

Because moron is the only proper adjective to describe someone who would give any credence to something as thoroughly debunked birtherism.