Ohio exists to make Michigan feel better about itself
It's been a difficult few days for Michigan national reputation. We can't deny it. So, we are truly lucky to live in such close proximity to Ohio. They make us look better what with their lighting rivers on fire and Ohio's pathetic effort to claim the Dallas Mavericks NBA championship as their win.
Just consider this recent letter to the editor sent by a one Jim Fletchner to the Findlay Courier. It was discovered by the sports blog Deadspin.
I couldn't believe this, so I did some research and, sure enough, a science website (forestry.about.com) states that "the Ohio buckeye is polygamo-monoecious, bearing both bisexual and male flowers."
The buckeye is our state tree and most of us gladly wear the nickname, "buckeyes." But it is shameful and unacceptable that a bisexual tree should represent us! We are flaunting the Holy Bible!
Now, Fletchner is probably joking, but what if he's right? Maybe God doesn't care for plants with their swinging alternative lifestyles. You know what God definitely does not care for? Players trading college football swag for tattoos. Also, punching Clemson linebackers. The Big Guy really hates that.
Get right with the Lord, Ohio. Before it's too late. -- JTW