Pity the newspaper columnist on days like today. The paper is the biggest of the year, and the demand for copy to go around all those ads is acute. But on Thanksgiving, what is there to say?
You could tell a funny story from your past involving mashed potatoes or drumsticks, try to connect it to thankfulness, somehow. You could start a war in the comment section by declaring turkey to be inedible, and the cheeseburger a better main course. You could scribble out some pablum about Living in the Greatest Country in the World, and How Blessed We All Are.
Or you could make like Nolan Finley, reach into your bag of tricks, and pull out this headline:
You don't say?
Finley dishes up a heat 'n' serve that's actually something of a perennial among conservative pundits: That the Pilgrims only were successful at feeding themselves when they gave up their silly ideas about communal farming and instead divided up their land for private ownership, which through the magic of Motivation and Industriousness got them off their lazy starving asses and working their own land, for their own profit. The result was the bountiful harvest we recall as the first Thanksgiving feast:
It's a lesson worth remembering, particularly on this Thanksgiving, as America is preparing to embark on an election season in which socialism is again being pitched as the answer to what ails us.
It didn't work for the Pilgrims. It won't work for us.
It's a conservative comeback to your niece, who wants to make the holiday all about multiculturalism, or the genocide of Native Americans. And it's been done before. In the Washington Post. In the Hoover Digest. By the Heritage Foundation. The Foundation for Economic Education. By any number of hacks at the dog's breakfast of content at Forbes. And so on and so on.
So as you sit down to your table today, take a moment to thank the universe for Nolan Finley, who really should be given the carving tools today, because he can always get one more slice off a well-picked carcass, while always being your Fox News Uncle.