The author is an attorney and a community activist in Metro Detroit.
By Mark Jacobs
The photo is screenshot from a video from a Jewish Voice for Peace-Detroit rally in November 2023.
Amidst my shock and horror on October 7th, 2023 was seeing an Instagram post from a 20-year- old cousin that sent me and other family members reeling. He had posted a photo of a Palestinian flag with the words “Free Palestine” across the top - on October 7th, just hours after the slaughter of 1,200 Jews and the abduction of 250 Israeli hostages.
This is not an uncommon story. Many Jewish families - including religious ones – live with the awkward reality of an intractable family rift over the topic of Israel. Intra-family differences over politics are nothing new, but rifts over Israel in Jewish families - when some members (typically older ones) believe Israel’s very existence is at stake and some other members (typically younger ones) see Israel as the embodiment of evil – can be so deep and combustible that they can tear a Jewish family apart.
The polls consistently reveal the sobering data. According to the Pew Research Center, almost half of Jews under 35 either disapprove or are unsure of the way Israel has carried out the war. The American Jewish Committee reports that nearly one-half of young Jews “don’t feel very connected to Israel”.
These trends did not begin on October 7th, 2023. But the war accelerated the rhetoric among many Jews who had been harsh critics of Israel. At head-turning speed, many of those Jews embraced the ugliest of accusations against Israel: “genocide”, “apartheid”, “war crimes”, “river to the sea” (exactly which river and which sea is not always clear to them). Some of them became active in leading “anti-Zionist” groups – Jewish Voice for Peace, Students for Justice in Palestine and If Not Now - all of whom have chapters in most of the larger U.S. cities and campuses and are more than happy to display the faces of their Jewish members at their events and websites. (Last month an orthodox Jewish member of Jewish Voice for Peace-Detroit was prominently featured on its website promoting a ‘Detroit to Gaza Solidarity Fast’ to end aid to Israel)
Since October 7th, 2023, after witnessing a rift within my own family over Israel, I have often queried other Jewish families on whether they have experienced a similar clash. My findings, albeit unscientific and informal, have revealed that sharp and painful intra-family differences over Israel are not uncommon, and they often pose a deeply painful and paralyzing dilemma for many Jewish families.
A few observations quickly jump out:
First, many of the people I asked are either personally affected or know of a family with members who deeply disagree on the topic of Israel. This isn’t a rarity in the Jewish community, it’s actually quite prevalent.
Second, Jewish families across the spectrum of Judaism face these issues, from secular Jews to religious ones. No Jewish family is immune, and anyone who believes otherwise is kidding themselves.
Third, every family dealing with this rift goes through a series of deep and mixed emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, embarrassment, confusion. Invariably it’s the parents who grapple with how this could have happened and beat themselves up for not doing something – anything – that might have avoided this situation.
Fourth, many families, heartbroken and dumbfounded, have chosen to just ignore the topic altogether within their families and live with an ever-present elephant in the room. As one person wrote: “My younger sister is anti-Israel and basically ashamed to be a Jew. We can’t change her mind. She didn’t even want to go to temple for her dad’s memorial service. She thinks Israel is committing a genocide. So we’ve decided it’s a ‘no-discuss’ topic.”
Avoids Synagogue
Another family sadly expressed that their son is now so hostile to Israel that he has decided to “no longer set foot in a Zionist synagogue”. Another says no one dares mention Israel, commenting, "it's just not worth it, so I live in the grey area of life.”
One friend points out that the emotions “go both ways”. Her very educated and very anti-Israel son “is disappointed in us” for not condemning Israel. The family cannot get beyond their stalemate, so they have decided to just “avoid the topic” altogether because “no one can win the conversation”
Everyone agrees that insults and confrontations accomplish nothing and can result in a permanent estrangement from a loved one, their biggest fear. “I always try not to be confrontational“, one person wrote, “because no one listens when they're being attacked. I also don't assume anyone will ever say, ‘wow, you're right! What was I thinking?’”
A segment of people try a middle ground. They periodically send their loved one pro-Israel materials “to give them something to ponder”. One person states she is hopeful that the information will counter what her daughter is reading and watching. “I give them reading materials”, she said, “because they tend towards liberal media and progressive friends, so they have unbalanced information.”
There is no clear strategy or solution for these families. They want “shalom bayit”, the Talmudic term for “peace in the home”, but recognize that the family conflict is seemingly irreconcilable, and that an explosive argument can break out at any time. They are in uncharted waters, painfully struggling to maintain family cohesion yet recognizing that may not be possible. They didn’t see this coming and cannot see a way out of it. So they suffer in silence, hoping and praying that their families won’t be irreparably torn apart.
Sadly, for too many families, the damage is already done, or close to it. The peace and harmony they once shared has been shattered, another casualty of this cruel war.
