Hi Lena,
Bravo for your deft response to Howard Stern’s fat jokes. Many a Hollywood celebrity would have responded with a ponderous PR blitz. Outrage would be expressed in staged interviews on E! or The View. Society would be scolded for its unreasonable expectations of female beauty. Worst of all, there probably would be a public service campaign featuring you talking with plus-sized teens who want everyone to know they are confident young women active in their high school’s foreign exchange club.
How proud we are of all of them. Even the ones who will end up doing burlesque to work through some daddy issues.
Thankfully, you spared us all of that horseshit by simply going on Stern’s show and making a joke of your own, saying that while you may not be super thin, you're thin enough by Detroit standards. Well played. Seriously.Unfortunately, you made Detroit the punch line and now everyone in my Facebook and Twitter feeds is super angry at you. Unless you and I stop it, Lena, this could spin out of control. Detroit could respond with its own ponderous PR blitz. No one wins if that happens. No one.
Statistically speaking, what you said is true. Detroit is wide load. Chicago dresses up hot dogs with a salad, we pour beanless chili and biohazard yellow mustard on them.
Facts don’t matter when people are outraged and no one does pointless outrage quite like Detroit. Criticism, or even a throwaway joke on satellite radio, turns my fellow tough-as-nails-Arsenal-of-Democracy Detroiters into the whiniest bunch of whiners in whiniville.
We can learn a thing or two from you about reacting to criticism and jokes with grace and wit instead of First World indignation over something that is totally not a big deal. So come to Detroit, Lena, and show these jerks some class. We’ll go get Telway burgers and you can look thin standing next to me. Which you will.
What is Telway, you ask? Oh, it's only the greatest greasy drunk food diner in the universe. The sliders are fantastic and the place looks like something Edward Hopper might have painted if he painted diners on the outskirts of some decaying, nearly bankrupt rust belt city. Seriously, the place is so authentic and vintage, it could make the twee-est band in Williamsburg spontaneously combust in ecstasy.
We’ll get drunk, go for Telway burgers, and everyone will have a good laugh. Ha ha, Lena Dunham is eating fatty foods in the town she called fat, ha ha! Then maybe my social media feeds can calm the hell down. Plus, I think you’ll really enjoy Telway. Or at least the characters on your show might.
Speaking of which, I just want to make this clear in case anyone thinks I’m defending you because I’m a fan, I really can’t stand "Girls." I watched the first episode and when your character stole that tip from the hotel maid—seriously, dick move -- I decided that I hated everyone on "Girls" and only follow it through John Cook’s recaps on Gawker. You know, the ones where he refers to all the characters by their famous parents’ real names.
If HBO only had room for one precious Brooklyn show, they should have kept “Bored To Death.” Sorry, I’m rambling. If you want, we can talk about my terrible ideas for your show over delicious Telway burgers when you come to Detroit. Like writing Ted Danson into the cast as George Christopher.
Anyway, it wasn’t my intention to hate on your show so much as to establish that, even though I’m not really a fan, I thought your reaction to Stern was badass in every way. I’m kind of embarrassed my town obviously isn’t as badass. A few burgers is the least I can offer as an apology for all the shade Detroiters are throwing your way.
So, let me know. Either way.
Thanks,
Jeff
