It's Chapter Nine Somewhere: Deadline Detroit's Bankruptcy Drinking Game

July 19, 2013, 9:32 AM

Detroit is bankrupt now. There’s only one appropriate response, heed the advice of the late Sen. John (Bluto) Blutarsky and “start drinking heavily.”

To aid you in that effort, we’ve established the Detroit Bankruptcy Drinking Game. Right now, you'll need to provide your own booze. That may change if our Kickstarter successfully funds the creation of a deluxe version.

For now, follow the rules below as you follow the bankruptcy media frenzy and you’ll be good and drunk in no time! (Must be 21 or older, sophisticated bankrupts know when to say when, always use a designated driver, etc.)

The Deadline Detroit Bankruptcy Drinking Game

  • Whenever “historic” and “tragic” are used in the same sentence, take a drink.
  • Whenever a Detroit bankruptcy story is intro’ed or outro’ed over a bed of Motown music, take a drink.
  • Whenever b-roll of (a) the Renaissance Center, (b) the People Mover, (c) Comerica Park/Ford Field, (d) the Packard Plant, or (e) the train station makes the nightly news, take a drink. Finish your drink if all five are used in a single nightly news package.
  • When Jay Leno makes the inevitable Detroit finally took Mitt Romney’s advice joke, take a drink. Then count the days until Jimmy Fallon replaces that worn out gasbag.
  • Whenever the cancer metaphor is used, take a drink.
  • Whenever bankruptcy is described as a chance to start anew, take a drink.
  • Whenever a pundit references that one time back whenever they said Detroit will end up bankrupt, take a drink. If that pundit happens to be nearby, take another drink and spit it at said pundit. (Don’t do that, it might be considered assault)
  • Whenever bankruptcy is contrasted with a relatively inconsequential bit of good small-scale news (a new neighborhood garden, McDonalds on Jefferson hires 10 new people, DPS student goes to Ivy League school, etc.), drink.
  • Whenever Detroit is referred to as Motown, the Motor City or the Arsenal of Democracy, take a drink.
  • Whenever Detroit is incorrectly cited as the home of Motown, take a drink. Then shout obscenities in the general direction of Los Angeles.
  • Whenever the city’s bankruptcy is contrasted with the downtown/midtown “revival” or the hockey arena plan, take a drink. Finish your drink if ta reference to “The Tale of Two Cities” is used. Then shout Jeff Daniels’ line from “The Squid And The Whale:” It's minor Dickens. Popular in schools. But I think David Copperfield or Great Expectations is much richer.
  • Whenever Kwame is mentioned, take a drink.
  • Whenever your social media feed includes speculation that things will get better “once” (not if) Mike Duggan is elected mayor, order a White Russian Lebowski-style ("another Caucasian, Gary"), and then take a drink.
  • Whenever Detroit’s bankruptcy is used to revive the “Wall Street vs. Main Street” trope, take a drink. Finish your drink if it’s followed by an attempt to revive the “Team of Rivals” trope.
  • Whenever earnest out-of-towners wonder if Detroit is some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland, take a drink.
  • Whenever the Tigers pennant race is asserted to be lifting our weary spirits, take a drink.
  • Whenever some national figure suggests an “out-of-the-box,” half-baked idea to save Detroit (more immigrants, no taxes, farming collectives, more casinos), take a drink.
  • Whenever mall cops on bicycles are cited as a potential solution to Detroit’s crime problem, take a drink. Then make sure you didn’t leave anything in your car.
  • Whenever Kevyn Orr is referred to as K-Orr or Korr, take a drink.

That’s probably enough to ensure your liver will be severely pickled by this bankruptcy. But if you have your own ideas for drinking game rules, suggest them in the comments. This process will take a while and it’s best for everyone if the drinking game stays fresh and relevant. 

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