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We all know the obligatory drill at either end of the Ambassador Bridge, Detroit-Windsor Tunnel or the Blue Water Bridge.
No, not paying tolls -- the other familiar, tiresome, necessary routine that usually takes a couple of minutes or so. Until it doesn't.
Vivid anecdotes about questioning by U.S. and Canadian border protection agents enrich a lively thread at a Detroit forum on Reddit.
It's a tough job, and Donna Burton is among those who do it to keep us safe . . . and sometimes bewildered or unintentionally amused.
The discussion, with more than 70 comments in three days, is kicked off by Brian Ambrozy, a self-described "Detroit fanboy."
"Going into Canada is a joy. Coming back sucks," his topic line says, in part. His post:
GOING TO CANADA:
"What is the reason for your visit?" "Oh, what restaurant?" "Oh, I heard that place was good, I should try it some time." "How long will you be in Canada?" "Have a great trip. Enjoy your stay in Canada."COMING BACK FROM CANADA:
"What were you doing in Canada?" "I'm sorry, what? You went for dinner?" "What restaurant?" "Where do you work?" "What do you do for a living?" "What does she do for a living?" "I'M TALKING TO HER, NOT YOU. WHEN I WANT YOU TO TALK I'LL ADDRESS YOU."
"Why would someone go to a foreign country just for dinner?" "Sounds like an expensive endeavor" "You say you were only there for three hours?" "Dinner doesn't usually take three hours, what else did you do?" "Is this something you've done before?" "Did you meet anyone else while you were at dinner?" "How long have you been in Canada?" "Did you bring anything from Canada other than items purchased at the Duty Free?"
Did you bring leftovers?" "You can't get a burger in the U.S.? You have to go to Canada for that?" (no joke)
That true-life tale (we believe Ambrozy) opened the sluice for a flow of get-this reminiscences that are amusing (in hindsight), sobering and sad. They also include this sound reminder from someone posting as BigNikiStyle:
Being courteous goes a long way towards avoiding issues when you're crossing the border.
A sampling of the most colorful tales:
► Echo effect: Change burger to ice skates and I had that same question asked of me.
► "Brain fart:" I've been dating a chick across the river for almost a year now. Never have any issues and a lot of the border patrol guys recognize me. However, I did have a brain fart when asked what my girlfriend's name was. That resulted in a nice search of the car and about 25 minutes of detainment.
► "Trick question:" I was coming back to the U.S. from Canada with a few buddies. My friend isn't the brightest star in the sky, and unintentionally gave the best response I've ever heard. Border guard: "Where you coming from?" Buddy, not being sarcastic and slightly confused: "Canada? If feel like this is a trick question, officer." . . . Needless to say we got searched.
► A "dumbass cousin:" That reminds me of my dumbass cousin. When he was a smart-ass 9-year-old, they asked him if his parents were his real parents, he said "pfft, nooo" all sarcastic-like. Four hours of searching and beyond-furious parents later ..."
► Teen lesson: This was way back in like '78, I was 18 and my buddy was 16. I'd crossed the border before and knew the drill, but neglected to tell him they'd be asking questions. . . . We pull into Canada and the guard asks me "Citizenship?" Me: "American." Then he looks at my buddy, who isn't paying a lick of attention: "Citizenship?" Buddy: "Huh?" "Citizenship?" Buddy: "Oh, yeah" (in the most bored voice you can imagine) "Park in the space over there."
► "No reason to visit Kitchener:" I really enjoyed the time as a where they didn't believe we had relatives in Kitchener that we had visited, on the grounds of "there's no reason to visit Kitchener, there's nothing there." Well, we have about eight good reasons.
► "Cocaine residue" bluff: I think the border guards just bluff and hope that you make some glaring disclosure. For my 19th birthday, we went to Windsor to celebrate and upon returning the border guards interrogated us and scanned by Michigan ID. They claimed that my ID had cocaine residue on it and I was told them they were full of shit and it was impossible because the ID had just been issued that week. They . . . let us pass.
► "Really a douche:" One time, we went through the tunnel on our way to the Pinery camping. Cutting through the States tends to be shorter than going around Lake St. Clair. We pull up to the booth and get asked the usual questions like how long we will be in the States. We tell him maybe an hour as we are just going to Sarnia and cutting back into Canada. Then he asked if we had any meat in the car. We said hotdogs that were sealed in the trunk. Well, you would think we were carrying explosives!
He puffs his chests out and yells at us: You CAN NOT bring meats into the United States of America!! And then proceeds to debate whether he would let us in. He let us go, but was really a douche about it. We tend to go through Canada now to avoid the hassle.
► "A freedom boner:" I dated a woman for a few years whose parents are both Pakistani. Can you imagine what that was like crossing the border? The U.S. border guys would practically have a freedom boner when they saw her. "Where are you from?" "The U.S." "No, where were you born?" "I was born in the United States." Guard, increasingly agitated: "M'am, I am asking where are you from?"
The best part is the inevitable occupation question. "I'm an attorney." What kind? "Immigration." She also has a Homeland Security badge. They would let her go after that.
► "Smuggle the terrorist:" Being an Arab with a very Arabic name and travel stamps from Arabic countries has always made this a joy. The best, for me, was the summer after 9/11, when I was crossing with fiour or so friends of mine. We'd cut through Canada on our way back from picking up our buddy from West Point.
The agent asked for our IDs, looked at all of them and then handed everyone's back but mine. Another agent came and I saw our agent hand my passport to him [so he could] take it to the next booth and make a copy of it just in case our super secret plan was to smuggle the terrorist in with a couple of white dudes and a West Point cadet.
► ". . . and Coke:" The first time I went to Canada as a punk was for no reason. We were in Detroit and said "Why not?" On our way back, the U.S. guard asked why and I said "To drive around." Then he asked if we bought anything. "Twinkies, film and Coke!"
I forgot the ". . . ca-Cola" part. Totally my bad.
Lastly, in fairness, a reality reminder for a guy who calls himself CoolDad:
If you pull up with passport or enhanced driver's license in hand, with your rear window open, and hand it to them before they ask anything, things go smooth and quick. . . . Just be truthful and they won't hassle you.
You also have to keep in mind that these people are there to protect you from assholes that want to kill us, enter the country illegally, transport drugs, etc. So be courteous and let them do their job.
